I haven’t written in a while. I am working on two big new projects, which will both be near completion over the coming months, but which have taken up a lot of my time and thinking space. I am also building a baby in my belly, which takes up the rest of my space. This has left my blogging time lacking, but I had a thought this morning that I wanted to write about, so here I am!
As I have just mentioned, I am pregnant. My body is not hugely enjoying pregnancy, my hips are rebelling with a passionate protest, making most movements something I have to carefully consider before I make them. My feet are swelling, my rings are starting to risk being permanently embedded in my fingers, my head aches most days pretty badly, my breath is short and my energy is non existent.
These are all pregnancy symptoms and therefore not really surprising! However, they are uncomfortable, painful and have made life on a day to day basis more of a challenge than I am used to.
However, I am used to chronic fatigue, depression and anxiety. I have lived the last 18 months or so, in an increasingly small world. The chronic fatigue has left me having to consider every diary entry carefully, the anxiety has got me very used to lack of breath, the depression has meant I am very accustomed to mood swings of extreme and lengthy proportions and the combination has meant that pain is a regular factor in my life.
My point, is that whilst I am uncomfortable the majority of the time at the moment, and in pain (often considerable) on a daily basis and I am really enjoying being pregnant.
I wondered this morning whether this is because these feelings, whilst worse than usual, are not new to me. If I was normally fit and healthy, would I find it harder to be so incapacitated by pregnancy? The fact that illness is a regular theme of my life, may have made it easier to be ill during pregnancy.
I find that I am able to notice and get excited by the positive side of being pregnant, the kicks and the growing bump, the novelty factors really. The illness is just a part of life, it’s my usual day to day baggage, and therefore is manageable.
I may be completely wrong, and honestly, I am only half way through so give me another 10 weeks and I may be begging them to get the baby out! However, for now, I am feeling content and happy. I am enjoying the fun side without being too overwhelmed by the bad.
This contentment, this morning, made me happy. I like there being a positive end goal to the pain. It somehow makes it less boring than the usual stuff I live with.